


one step and two steps closer

by orphan_account



Category: MxM, Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Feelings, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, I impulse wrote this in the middle of the night, I'm very big on the theme of togetherness apparently, Light Angst, M/M, Oblivious Youngmin, more angst than intended tbh, there's a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 20:52:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11836836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Debut", It's the only word that mattered to Youngmin for months now, but what does that one word really mean?





	one step and two steps closer

**Author's Note:**

> I should be writing the long wanna one au I started but I impulse wrote another one shot instead.
> 
> It was the middle of the night and I couldn't be bothered to go back and fact-check anything with Produce 101 so sorry for any inaccuracies, just presume I did them on purpose for the sake of the narrative and I hope you don't hate this anyway.

**_D - Donghyun._ **  
  
He hadn't made it. Youngmin didn't want to believe it. The ranking announcement was over, and here he was sat on the pyramid, Woojin and Daehwi somewhere in the rows above him, all of them looking down at Donghyun who was still on the ground.

This was bound to happen, of course. It was amazing all the brand new music boys had made it as far as they had, when whole companies worth of trainees had been eliminated before now. Brand new had the second most trainees in the top twenty after pledis, and with the way the Pledis boys were making headlines that was nothing to be ashamed of. They'd done their company proud.  
  
Still, it wasn't nice to leave behind a friend.  
  
When they were allowed to move again, the cameras not shut off but the feeling of this being a broadcast dissipating without Boa's presence and the dramatic close-ups, Youngmin went straight to his label-mate.  
  
Donghyun wasn't crying, but Youngmin knew him well enough to see the disappointment etched into the lines of his face and the curve of his mouth. It was the same look he'd sported sometimes in moments when he thought no one was looking, when he'd struggle with a move or a note or when they'd watch the episodes back, a group of trainees crowding into any available space with a tv or wifi connection, and he'd realise that once again every member of their company was shining on screen except him.  
  
No one else had noticed, as far as he could tell, but Youngmin had, not that he'd ever bring it up.  
  
It was the look that said Donghyun was disappointed in himself.  
  
Youngmin pulled Donghyun into a tight hug. He had a lot he wanted to say, but he wasn't sure what was right, what would make Donghyun feel better and what would make him feel worse. He wasn't always the best with words, perhaps ironic, considering he was a rapper, but maybe that's why he'd started writing his thoughts down on paper in the first place.  
  
"I'm proud of you," he settled on in the end, whispering straight into Donghyun's ear, it was unlikely anyone was listening in, but somehow the moment felt like it should be private. "We all are. I'll see you soon, okay?"  
  
He finally disentangled himself, Donghyun following suit a split second later. As soon as they were separated Daehwi and Woojin appeared from behind Youngmin, no doubt having been waiting for their chance to latch on to their hyung.  
  
Youngmin only watched them for a second before leaving them to say goodbye. Woojin would probably be as unsure on what to say as Youngmin had been, but no doubt Daehwi was already lamenting about his feelings, and Youngmin needed to get his own feelings in order before hearing what emotional thoughts their youngest had to offer. He was the oldest, he needed to be there for them, especially during times like these, he couldn't do that right until he felt stable enough himself.  
  
He made his way around the room, saying his goodbyes to other trainees he'd grown close to and even those he hadn't, you didn't need a personal connection to understand each other here, not when everyone had been going through the same thing for months on end. After a while he stopped lingering, the atmosphere was thick with emotion and it was starting to get to him, so after checking his company mates were okay out the corner of his eye he slipped into the hallway to take a breather.  
  
Technically they were allowed to leave the room as soon as the surviving trainees had been announced, but no one ever did. Even now he was the only one out there. It made him feel a little dizzy and disoriented, suddenly being alone when he was used to being surrounded by other boys at this point.  
  
It felt like a weight being lifted off his chest.  
  
He finally had room to think.  
  
He didn't know how long he spent leant against that wall, taking deep breaths, sorting through the mess in his mind, but by the time other trainees began pouring out the door he'd come to a conclusion.  
  
He'd survived. He was Im Youngmin, one of the top twenty contestants out of a competition of a hundred and one. Later they'd have new songs, and then another week of back-breaking, sweat inducing practice, and then they'd be on stage for the big day, the day he'd been working so hard for.  
  
Until then, until he knew if he was in or out of the debut group, that was all that mattered, he'd worry about everything else later.  
  
He kept telling himself that as he watched crying trainees go by, his resolve already threatening to break.  
  
**_E - Eliminated._ **  
  
He wasn't sure when he knew it was over for him. Did he know when they got to the middle of the rankings and his name still hadn't been called? Did he know when both Daehwi and Woojin were up on those coveted chairs, looking so much like the kids they were even though they had everything people years their senior wanted? Did he know after eleventh place started being called and there were too many talented and popular trainees still waiting? Did he know when the scandal of his alleged girlfriend had made his popularity take a hit? Or had he known since the beginning?  
  
It didn't matter, really, when he knew, because no matter when it was, his hard work after that was supposed to pay off. That's what his parents had told him when they sent him off to his first day of school as a small child, that's what their Ceo had told him when he'd joined Brand New, that's what BoA had told them all a few weeks into this competition.  
  
It was supposed to-  
  
He felt a pair of arms wrap around him from behind, taking him by surprise, if he wasn't so detached from the world around him right now he may have jumped.  
  
Twisting around to face the person ended with him coming face to face with Donghyun. It had only been a week since he'd seen that face, but Youngmin felt like he'd aged a millennia and was surprised to find Donghyun hadn't changed. He had the same warm eyes, the same sweet grin that lit up his face, and those familiar features as well as the arms still securely around his waist suddenly made him feel safe.  
  
The cameras could still be rolling, he didn't know, didn't even consider it, he just finally let his carefully blank expression dropped and sobbed into Donghyun's shoulder.  
  
"But I worked so hard."  
  
"I know you did," Donghyun said softly, running a comforting hand through Youngmin's hair. "I'm proud of you, we all are."  
  
That night they were driven back to the Brand New dorms in a company car, their two members of wanna one included.  
  
It was quiet in the car, not for any airs of resentment or sadness or even a lack of excitement, but out of pure exhaustion because Produce 101 aired late and would take a toll on anyone's physical and emotional energy.  
  
Daehwi and Woojin were already asleep in the very back seat, heads lolling onto each other's shoulders, letting out the occasional soft snore but otherwise silent.  
  
Youngmin was just about ready to crash along with them when he heard Donghyun speak up next to him.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"...huh?" Youngmin said, opening his eyes that he hadn't entirely realised he'd closed. It took a moment for his vision to adjust, but soon enough he could make out Donghyun's silhouette in the seat next to him, illuminated only by the street lamps and headlights they drove past.  
  
"I''m sorry," He repeated. "That you didn't make it in."  
  
"Oh," Youngmin breathed. "It's okay."  
  
Donghyun turned and locked eyes with him, his gaze was gentle but there was an intensity behind his eyes that made it seem like he could see straight through Youngmin, maybe he could. "It's okay to tell me that it's not okay, I won't judge."  
  
Youngmin thought back to earlier that night, when he'd practically broken down in Donghyun's arms whereas Donghyun had been so strong in the face of his own elimination just a week ago. It probably wasn't the right thing to do, to complain to someone who'd been through the same thing but worse, but he knew Donghyun meant it when he said it was alright.  
  
"I was sad, of course i was...I still am," Youngmin started, careful to keep his voice down so as not to wake the sleeping duo behind them. "I think it's still gonna hurt, maybe for a long time, especially with the constant reminder that Woojin and Daehwi aren't with us. But I did my best, and I'd like to think i did pretty good." As he said it he realised he truly meant it.  
  
"You did amazing," Donghyun said, soft but sure. He was still looking into Youngmin's eyes, but suddenly that intensity in his gaze disappeared as his eyes crinkled up into a smile. "Besides, maybe now that the kids are superstars _they_ can buy _us_ a meal for once." He laughed.  
  
Youngmin laughed with him, and at least for now his worries melted away.  
  
**_B - Before._ **  
  
"Hello, I'm Kim Donghyun." The stranger greeted.  
  
That day Youngmin had had his usual plans, which was to say he was going to train until either his stomach or a manager told him to slow down and take a break. He had already been halfway out of the dorm when the staff had shown up and said there was a meeting being held before all but dragging him and a half asleep Woojin, and Daehwi, the most awake of all of them, to their dance practice room.

By “meeting” what they apparently meant was a boy being dropped off by a manager with a quick introduction of “New trainee, be nice to each other,” before they headed off to do whatever they deemed more important and left what was now the four of them to figure the rest out for themselves.

Youngmin was still taking it all in so Daehwi quickly took over, skipping up to Donghyun and brightly introducing himself with “Lee Daehwi, How old are you?!”

Donghyun revealed his age with a nervous smile.

That got Youngmin’s attention. Donghyun was now the trainee closest to his own age, if still three years younger, at least he was another adult. At low times, the kind that they usually came in the middle of the night or when no matter how hard he tried he couldn't match a beat or move his feet quite right, Youngmin sometimes thought he was getting too old for this industry. He was still a trainee while the idols debuting out there got younger and younger, 2000 liners debuting alongside people his age or less. No matter the difference it was reassuring to have someone even just a little bit older among them.

“Im Youngmin,” He finally introduced himself, following up with his age as well as introducing Woojin, since the younger was awkward around strangers and no doubt had been worrying about what to do since Donghyun walked into the room.

Now they’d gotten past the basic formalities they could talk about things a bit more interesting. Donghyun revealed himself as a vocalist, making Daehwi squeal in delight at not being the only non-rapper around anymore, as well as talking a little about where he was from and his life until now.

Listening to Donghyun speak was nice, his voice was calm but never dull...soothing, Youngmin could almost call it.

Once they’d deemed they’d done enough talking and should probably get to practice like they originally planned, Youngmin couldn't help but think he’d like him and Donghyun to be close, even if Donghyun was more likely to gravitate towards Woojin who was only a year younger than him, he could still hope.

He soon found out that Donghyun was more than willing to fulfill those hopes.

**_U - Us._ **

It had been a little awkward since Daehwi and Woojin had moved out.

Neither him nor Donghyun intended for things to be that way, it wasn't as if they suddenly had a problem with one another. It was just the silences found when usually there’d be a third party to laugh or suggest something or even make fun of them, it was the fact they went to order takeout for four each night before remembering at the last minute, it was the fact they’d spend large portions of their day alone what with rap classes and vocal classes being held apart, only meeting each other in dance practice or at the end of the day when they were too tired to speak much.

It didn’t help that even though they wouldn’t say as much, due to not wanting to bring the other down, it was hard being back in the company after the whirlwind of Produce 101 and being so close to debut. It almost felt like the past few months hadn’t even been real, like they’d never left the safety of Brand New and put themselves out there to the world, like they hadn’t gained fans and new friends. Everything had changed, but nothing had.

He didn’t know how long they spent like that, it could have been days or whole weeks, it was hard to tell when every day was spent monotonously the same.

In the end, it was Donghyun who broke first.

“I can’t take it anymore!”

Youngmin froze. He’d been lying on top of his bed, one earphone in as he stared at the ceiling, trying and failing to get to sleep.

Donghyun had been sat on his own bed across the small room. They’d both been silent until now.

Youngmin didn’t think he’d ever heard Donghyun yell before.

“What do you mean?” He asked cautiously, removing his one earphone.

“I mean this! I mean us!” Donghyun had lowered his voice a bit, but Youngmin could still hear the frustration that consumed his normally gentle voice. “We...we can’t keep going like this, hyung.” His sighed, running a hand through his hair. “We already lost Daehwi and Woojin...I can’t lose you too.”

Youngmin wondered if this is what they meant by heartbreak, if it was a heavy and cold feeling in your chest that made you feel like your heart had stopped beating altogether.

If so, why were there so many songs about something so awful?

“You didn’t lose anyone,” Youngmin’s voice was suddenly hoarse, maybe from exhaustion or maybe just from emotion. He got up and padded over to Donghyun’s bed, sitting just close enough to the other boy that their shoulders touched. “The kids may not be here right now, but they’ll be back before you know it. And me...you could never lose me.”

Donghyun looked at him, and instead of anger or frustration Youngmin saw a smile.

Did heartbreak always end with your heart beating too fast?

**_T - Together._ **

The news of their unit debut made Youngmin happier than he thought he’d been in a long time.

Well, they didn't give a date for their actual debut, just that it was upcoming and they were releasing a couple of tracks for now, so maybe he wouldn’t get to stand on music show stages again just yet and he’d still be referring to himself as a trainee, but it was a chance to truly to get his voice out there in the world of music, and it eased his deeply buried fears that the company considered them failures for not making it into Wanna One.

And he was especially happy that he got to do this with his best friend.

Donghyun was happy too, the smile hadn’t left his face since the news a few hours ago, and Youngmin could just spot that same intensity behind his eyes that he’d seen that night in the car when they left Produce 101’s filming grounds for the last time. It was passion, he realised..

And it was beautiful.

They had squeezed together on a bench in the practice room, listening to the demos of their songs. They’d heard them before, of course, but it was different listening to them knowing that in just a few hours they were going to record them and, soon enough, release them for the world to hear.

“Are you nervous?” Donghyun asked, now that the track had faded out and the place was quiet.

Youngmin thought for a moment.

“Maybe a little?” He offered in the end. “It's always going to be a little scary, I think, but i'm happy more than anything.”

Donghyun nodded, like he was considering Youngmin’s words, and then “What-what if i'm not good enough?”

He was becoming acquainted with heartbreak rather fast.

“You are good enough, this shows you're good enough,” Youngmin said firmly.

“You really think so?”

“I think you're more than good enough.”

Why did Donghyun’s smile always mess with his heart lately?

A few hours later, when Youngmin’s heart had finally returned to it’s regular rhythm and there wasn’t a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach anymore, they went to the recording studio for the first shot at their songs.

Youngmin went into the booth first. He pushed down any nerves may have felt. It wasn’t as if it was the first time he had done this, though now instead of a group of trainees it was only a producer and Donghyun watching him through the glass, he wasn’t sure if that was better or worse. He closed his eyes instead of thinking about it and gestured that he was ready.

When he came out the booth a while later he honestly thought it went okay, and Donghyun seemed to agree since he sent him a thumbs up from where he sat on the leather sofa, Youngmin thought it was cute.

Donghyun was summoned into the booth as soon as Youngmin sat down. Recording could take a while, Youngmin himself had already been in there for hours, so he leaned back and got comfortable, closing his eyes.

It wasn’t long until Donghyun’s voice was flowing into his ears. Youngmin had always been a fan of his singing, but he realised now just how nice it was, it was smooth and he could feel it calming worries that he didn’t even know he had.

He slowly opened his eyes and they found Donghyun through the glass separating the recording area through the rest of the room. Donghyun’s eyes were closed, and for how nervous he said he was he looked absolutely serene now, his singing was beautiful, his expression was beautiful, he was-

Oh.

He was beautiful.

Youngmin thought he was beautiful.

He liked him, he realised suddenly, though somehow it wasn’t sudden at all. He’d been feeling this way for a while, he just hadn’t put a name to it.

Sat there on the sofa, he tried to figure out where to go from here, but his mind was slowly swirling with “I like him” “He’s so beautiful” “I maybe more than like him”, he couldn’t think, not about anything useful, not with Donghyun still singing into that microphone just a few meters away.

It was fine, he’d think when he got back to the dorms, or maybe he wouldn’t go back just yet and would find somewhere he could be alone.

He didn’t hear the producer say Donghyun was finished, or that the producer himself had left the room, he only realised when Donghyun was stood right in front of him with a nervous smile on his face.

“So? How did I do?” He asked.

“I like you,” Youngmin answered.

Oh….so much for thinking about it. He really hadn’t meant to say that, but apparently his brain to mouth filter wasn’t great when his brain could only think the same thing over and over.

He searched Donghyun’s face for a reaction, Donghyun was just staring blankly, like he couldn’t comprehend what Youngmin had just said.

He was probably already thinking of ways to let him down gently, so gently, because that’s what he was like.

Youngmin was ready to just run when Donghyun’s face changed into a small smile.

“I like you too.”

“....What?” Youngmin said dumbly.

“I like you too,” Donghyun fiddled with his hands, looking shy. “I’ve always liked you.” He confessed.

“....Always?”

“Well, I don’t know exactly how long, but for a long time, yeah.”

“Oh….okay, that’s good,” Youngmin said awkwardly.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Donghyun laughed.

They left the recording studio to head to the dorms, and when they were halfway there Donghyun grabbed his hand, they walked the rest of the way like that, holding hands, it made Youngmin happier than something so simple probably should.

But what mattered was that he _was_ happy. He had his his best friend by his side, and they hadn’t talked about it quite yet but hopefully they’d be something more soon, he liked the idea of calling Donghyun his boyfriend, if they were ready for that.

He’d been so focused on debuting the past few months that he’d forgotten the other things that were important to him. Now that he was about to debut it was great, but it wouldn’t be the same if it wasn’t with Donghyun.

They’d debut together, and then when Daehwi and Woojin came back  hopefully they’d all debut again together.

Being together, with the people he loves, that’s what mattered most.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> my twitter is @knockdaniels if you want to be friends or send anon hate btw


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